If possible, tell them together
If there is no safety concern or severe conflict, it is usually best for both parents to speak to the children together. This helps children see that:
- both parents still love them,
- they are not being asked to choose sides,
- and the adults are working together regarding the children.
Keep the explanation simple and age-appropriate
Children do not need adult details about the marriage problems.
You can say something like:
“Mom and Dad have decided that we cannot live together happily anymore, so we are going to live in different homes. This is an adult decision, and it is not because of anything you did.”
Reassure them repeatedly
Children commonly fear:
- “Did I cause this?”
- “Will one parent leave me too?”
- “Who will take care of me?”
- “Will life still be normal?”
Important reassurances include:
- “We both love you very much.”
- “You will still see both of us.”
- “You are not responsible for this.”
- “You do not need to fix it.”
- “We will still be your parents forever.”
Focus on what will stay the same
Children cope better when they know what remains stable:
- school
- friends
- routines
- sports
- pets
- bedtime routines
- contact with both parents
Specific information reduces anxiety, so it is helpful to have clarity on key practical arrangements before speaking to the children.
For example:
- where they will sleep,
- whether they will stay at the same school,
- when they will see each parent.
Allow emotions without trying to “fix” them immediately
Depending on their age and temperament, children may cry, become clingy, withdraw, or appear angry or worried.
All of these are normal reactions.
You can respond with:
- “I understand this feels upsetting.”
- “You can ask us questions anytime.”
- “It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused.”
Avoid these common mistakes
Try not to:
- blame the other parent,
- discuss affairs, finances, or legal disputes,
- make the children messengers,
- ask them to choose,
- use them for emotional support,
- overpromise (“everything will stay exactly the same”).
Expect ongoing conversations
This is usually not one conversation — it becomes many smaller conversations over time. Children process divorce gradually and may revisit questions months later.
Signs they may need extra support
Consider professional support if you notice:
- major withdrawal,
- persistent anxiety,
- aggression,
- sleep problems,
- school decline,
- excessive guilt,
- loyalty conflicts,
- regression (bedwetting, babyish behaviour),
- or ongoing distress lasting several months.
In South Africa, children’s wishes and views must be obtained and given due consideration where appropriate, using processes that follow recognised guidelines, good practice, and ethical standards. Many families benefit from child-inclusive mediation or a Voice of the Child Assessment, particularly in adversarial or high-conflict matters, and earlier intervention is often more effective.