This becomes particularly important when parents separate or divorce and a child begins living between two households. What worked relatively well when everyone lived under one roof may need to be reconsidered when a child is moving between different homes, routines and parenting approaches.
Research in developmental psychology has identified several broad parenting styles. Understanding these styles is not about labelling parents as “good” or “bad”. Rather, it can help parents consider whether their approach provides children with the combination of warmth, security, boundaries and age-appropriate independence that children need.
The four main parenting styles
The framework most commonly discussed in developmental psychology originated with the work of psychologist Diana Baumrind and was later expanded by researchers including Maccoby and Martin.
The model considers two important dimensions of parenting:
- Responsiveness — how warm, sensitive and emotionally available a parent is.
- Demandingness or structure — how much a parent provides rules, boundaries, expectations and supervision.
Combining these dimensions produces four broad parenting styles:
- Authoritative
- Authoritarian
- Permissive or indulgent
- Uninvolved or neglectful
The important point is that these are patterns, not personality types. A parent can display characteristics of more than one style, and parenting behaviour can change depending on the child's age, temperament, circumstances and the parent's own stress levels.
1. The Authoritative Parent: Warm AND Firm
Authoritative parenting is generally characterised by high responsiveness and high structure.
An authoritative parent is warm and responsive, but also sets clear boundaries.
For example:
“I understand that you're angry because you don't want to stop playing. It's okay to be angry. But it is still time to switch off the game and get ready for bed.”
The parent acknowledges the child's feelings without allowing the child's feelings to determine every boundary.
Authoritative parents tend to:
- establish clear expectations;
- explain rules rather than simply demanding obedience;
- listen to their children;
- allow children to express their opinions;
- provide appropriate choices;
- maintain reasonable boundaries;
- use discipline as guidance rather than humiliation or fear;
- encourage increasing independence as the child matures.
This style combines connection with boundaries.
Research has consistently associated authoritative parenting with a range of positive developmental outcomes, including self-regulation, social competence, psychosocial adjustment and academic functioning.
The American Psychological Association similarly describes authoritative parenting as combining nurturing and responsiveness with firm limits.
Importantly, authoritative parenting does not mean being a perfect parent.
It means being able to say:
“Your feelings matter, and I am still the parent.”
2. The Authoritarian Parent: Firm WITHOUT Much Flexibility
Authoritarian parenting is characterised by high demands or control but lower responsiveness.
The emphasis is often on obedience.
Rules may be presented as:
“Because I said so.”
or:
“You don't get to question me.”
Authoritarian parents may:
- have very strict rules;
- expect immediate obedience;
- use punishment heavily;
- place a strong emphasis on respect and compliance;
- discourage disagreement;
- have limited discussion about the reasons behind rules.
Structure and boundaries are not inherently harmful. In fact, children need appropriate boundaries.
The concern arises when control becomes disconnected from warmth, explanation and sensitivity to the child's developmental needs.
Research has generally found less favourable developmental associations with authoritarian parenting compared with authoritative parenting.
A useful question for an authoritarian-leaning parent might therefore be:
“Am I setting this boundary because my child genuinely needs it, or because I need my child to obey me?”
That distinction can be particularly important during separation, when children may already feel that much of their world is outside their control.
3. The Permissive Parent: Warm WITHOUT Enough Structure
Permissive parenting is generally characterised by high responsiveness but relatively low structure or demandingness.
These parents may be loving, affectionate and highly involved with their children.
The difficulty is that boundaries can become inconsistent.
For example:
“You really should go to bed, but okay, you can watch another episode.”
Or:
“I know you don't want to do your homework, so don't worry about it tonight.”
Permissive parents may:
- struggle to say no;
- avoid conflict;
- give children extensive freedom;
- have inconsistent consequences;
- allow rules to change depending on the child's reaction;
- prioritise keeping the child happy over maintaining boundaries.
The intention is often positive.
A parent may think:
“My child has already been through so much. I don't want to make things harder.”
But children also need predictability, structure and limits. Research has associated permissive parenting with difficulties in areas such as self-regulation and behavioural control.
After separation, permissive parenting can sometimes become particularly tempting.
A parent may feel guilty about the amount of time they spend away from their child and compensate by saying yes to everything.
But children do not need one parent to be the “fun parent” and the other to be the “strict parent”.
They need parents who can provide both emotional connection and appropriate boundaries.
4. The Uninvolved Parent: Low Warmth AND Low Structure
The fourth style is generally described as uninvolved or neglectful parenting.
This involves relatively low responsiveness and low structure.
The parent may provide basic physical care but be emotionally unavailable or minimally involved in the child's everyday life.
There may be:
- little supervision;
- limited emotional availability;
- few boundaries;
- little interest in the child's activities;
- limited communication;
- inconsistent involvement.
This is different from a parent who is temporarily overwhelmed.
Parents can experience periods of exhaustion, stress, financial pressure or other difficulties without this automatically meaning they are uninvolved parents.
The concern is a persistent pattern in which the child's emotional and developmental needs receive insufficient attention.
Research has generally found the poorest developmental outcomes associated with this parenting pattern.
So, which parenting style is best?
The research generally points towards the authoritative style as being associated with the most consistently positive developmental outcomes.
But there is an important qualification.
Parenting research does not mean that there is one perfect formula that every family should follow.
Children are different.
A two-year-old does not need the same parenting approach as a teenager. A highly sensitive child may require a different approach from a naturally independent child. Culture, family circumstances, developmental stage and the child's individual temperament all matter.
The Handbook of Parenting, edited by Marc H. Bornstein, emphasises the complexity and diversity of parenting and draws together research on parenting across different developmental stages and family circumstances.
Therefore, the more useful question may not be:
“Which parenting style am I?”
but:
“What does my child need from me right now?”
Parenting styles become especially important after separation
When parents separate, children may suddenly have to navigate two households.
There may be:
- two bedrooms;
- two sets of routines;
- different bedtimes;
- different rules about screens;
- different expectations about homework;
- different approaches to discipline;
- different family members;
- different household cultures.
For some children this can be exciting.
For others it can be exhausting.
And for many children, it is a combination of both.
The child may love spending time with both parents while simultaneously finding the transition between households difficult.
This is why parenting after separation is not simply about deciding where the child will sleep.
It is also about considering how the child's emotional and developmental needs will be supported across both homes.
Children need predictability — but they don't necessarily need identical homes
Parents sometimes believe that they must have exactly the same rules in both households.
That is not necessarily realistic.
Two parents are unlikely to parent in exactly the same way.
The goal is therefore not necessarily to create identical homes.
The goal is to create enough predictability, consistency and emotional security that the child knows what to expect.
For example, the two households might have different routines, but both parents could agree that:
- homework is completed before recreational screen time;
- the child is not expected to carry messages between parents;
- both parents support the child's relationship with the other parent;
- important school information is shared;
- the child's belongings can move between homes;
- the child does not have to choose sides;
- both parents respond appropriately when the child expresses difficult emotions.
These seemingly ordinary arrangements can make a significant difference to a child's experience of moving between households.
The most important issue may not be the parenting style — but the conflict between parents
When parents separate, it is easy to focus on differences in parenting styles.
One parent may say:
“I'm structured.”
The other may say:
“You're controlling.”
One may say:
“I'm relaxed.”
The other may respond:
“You're too permissive.”
But the research suggests that interparental conflict and negative parenting behaviours are important factors in children's adjustment following divorce.
A large meta-analysis involving 115 samples and more than 24,000 divorced families found associations between interparental conflict, parenting behaviours and children's psychosocial adjustment. Parenting dimensions such as support, hostility, structuring, intrusiveness and role diffusion were relevant pathways connecting parental conflict with children's adjustment.
This is important because a child can potentially manage differences between two households better than adults sometimes expect.
What can be much harder for a child is feeling caught between those households.
“But my child says they don't want to go to the other parent's house.”
This is one of the most difficult situations parents can encounter.
A child's resistance to transitions should not automatically be interpreted as evidence that one parent is a better parent or that the other parent is doing something wrong.
At the same time, a child's views should not simply be dismissed.
Children can have genuine feelings about:
- leaving one parent;
- changing homes;
- losing belongings;
- missing friends;
- changing routines;
- different rules;
- uncertainty;
- parental conflict;
- loyalty conflicts;
- feeling responsible for a parent's feelings.
The task is to understand what the child is communicating.
That is one of the reasons child-inclusive processes and appropriately conducted Voice of the Child assessments can be valuable.
A child's voice should be heard in a manner appropriate to their age and developmental capacity, without placing the child in the position of having to make adult decisions.
Helping children adjust to two homes
In my work involving Voice of the Child assessments and child mediation interviews, part of my role is to help parents understand what children may be experiencing as they adjust to new routines and, where applicable, living between two households.
This can involve helping parents think practically about questions such as:
How will transitions happen?
Children often cope better when they know what is going to happen.
A predictable transition routine can reduce unnecessary uncertainty.
What happens to the child's belongings?
Children should not feel as though they are constantly “moving house”.
Where possible, parents can consider keeping important everyday items available in both homes and allowing children to take meaningful belongings with them.
What happens when the child misses the other parent?
Missing the other parent is not necessarily evidence that the current arrangement is failing.
It may simply mean that the child has an important attachment to both parents.
Children should be allowed to miss the other parent without feeling guilty.
What happens when the households have different rules?
Parents do not have to agree on every single household rule.
However, it is useful to identify the areas where consistency matters most for the child's wellbeing.
What does the child hear about the other parent?
Children should not be placed in the role of messenger, spy, judge or emotional support person for either parent.
The goal is not to create two identical parents
One of the most important things parents can understand is that co-parenting does not require parents to become identical.
You can have different personalities.
You can have different interests.
You can even have somewhat different household routines.
But children benefit when both parents provide the fundamental ingredients of healthy parenting:
warmth + appropriate boundaries + emotional availability + predictable care.
This is particularly relevant after separation.
A child should not have to decide which parent has the “right” parenting style.
The adults should be asking:
“How can we make this easier for our child?”
A quick parenting-style check
Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Do I have clear rules and boundaries?
If your answer is yes, you may have a stronger structure component to your parenting.
2. Do I listen to my child's feelings and opinions?
If your answer is yes, you may have a stronger responsiveness component.
3. Do I sometimes become so focused on obedience that I stop listening?
You may have some authoritarian tendencies.
4. Do I sometimes avoid setting boundaries because I don't want my child to be upset?
You may have some permissive tendencies.
5. Do I sometimes feel emotionally unavailable or disconnected from my child?
This may be worth exploring rather than judging yourself for it.
6. Can I maintain a boundary while still acknowledging my child's feelings?
This is one of the central skills associated with authoritative parenting.
For example:
“I know you're disappointed. You really wanted to stay longer. I understand that. We are still leaving now.”
The child's feelings are accepted.
The boundary remains.
Parenting is not about being perfect
Every parent will lose patience sometimes.
Every parent will get something wrong.
There will be days when the bedtime routine collapses, homework becomes an argument and everyone ends up frustrated.
The purpose of understanding parenting styles is not to give parents another reason to feel guilty.
It is to provide a framework for reflection.
The most constructive question is:
“Is my current way of responding helping my child develop security, self-regulation, confidence and healthy independence?”
And when parents are separating:
“Is the way we are managing two households helping our child feel secure, or are our adult differences becoming the child's burden?”
Those are much more useful questions than deciding which parent is “better”.
When professional support can help
Sometimes parents know that their child is struggling but cannot agree on what the child needs.
This can happen when parents have very different parenting styles, when communication has broken down, or when a child is experiencing difficulty moving between two households.
A child-inclusive process can help bring the child's developmental needs and experiences into the conversation in an age-appropriate way.
During a Voice of the Child assessment or child mediation interview, the focus should not be on asking a child to choose between parents. Rather, the child's experiences, wishes and concerns can be explored carefully and within the appropriate professional framework.
Parents can then be guided in considering practical ways to support their child — including helping the child adjust to new routines, transitions and life across two households.
The objective is not to determine which parent “wins”.
It is to help adults make decisions that are more responsive to the child they are both trying to parent.
Final thought: What kind of parent does your child experience?
Perhaps the most useful way to think about parenting style is not:
“What kind of parent am I?”
but:
“What does my child experience when they are with me?”
Do they experience warmth?
Do they know where the boundaries are?
Can they express difficult emotions?
Do they feel listened to?
Do they know that the adult is still in charge when things become difficult?
Can they be children without carrying adult problems?
And, when parents live separately:
Can they love both parents without feeling that loving one means betraying the other?
Parenting is not a fixed identity.
It is a relationship that develops and changes over time.
And sometimes, one of the most valuable things a parent can do is pause, reflect and make a small change that makes life easier for their child.
References and further reading
Baumrind, D. (1967). Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behaviour. Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75, 43–88.
Baumrind, D. (1971). Current patterns of parental authority. Developmental Psychology Monographs, 4(1, Pt. 2).
Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. The Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95.
Bornstein, M. H. (Ed.). (2019). Handbook of Parenting: Volume 5: The Practice of Parenting (3rd ed.). Routledge.
Lansford, J. E. (2009). Parental divorce and children's adjustment. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 4(2), 140–152.
Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent-child interaction. In E. M. Hetherington (Ed.), Handbook of Child Psychology: Socialization, Personality, and Social Development. Wiley.
van Dijk, R., van der Valk, I. E., Deković, M., & Branje, S. (2020). A meta-analysis on interparental conflict, parenting, and child adjustment in divorced families. Clinical Psychology Review, 79, 101861.
A note about the evidence
Parenting-style research describes associations, rather than proving that a particular parenting style alone causes a particular child outcome. Children's development is influenced by many interacting factors, including temperament, developmental stage, family circumstances, culture, socioeconomic conditions, parental wellbeing and the quality of relationships within the family.
The aim of using parenting-style research is therefore not to label parents, but to help identify parenting behaviours that may support children's development and adjustment.